


Our Dark Remeberings

by VisionaryGalaxy



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Arguing, Blood and Gore, Canon-Typical Violence, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Minor Character Death, Parabatai Bond, Revenge, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-24
Updated: 2018-01-16
Packaged: 2018-12-06 03:32:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 20,892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11592063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VisionaryGalaxy/pseuds/VisionaryGalaxy
Summary: “Please! We can save him, Please!”But no they couldn’t. It hit Alec like a train, knocking the breath out of him as he collapsed with her in his arms. Will was gone, and fuck it hurt, it hurt so much, his best friend, Abby’s parabatai gone. Alec gripped her tighter as she broke, and whispered the only thing he could as he rocked back and forth, “I’m so sorry, it should have been me, it should have been me.”Summary will probably be changed when I write more :)





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! This is a fic idea I've had for awhile. Its also the first one I'm ever going to post so let me know what you think.
> 
> All characters belong to Cassandra Clare and The Mortal Instruments, as well as the TV show Shadowhunters. No copyright infringement intended.

_"Will!"_

_The flames were snaking up the side of the house as Alec stood in the grass desperately gripping Abigail as she wailed and screamed. He could feel her heart thumping wildly as she strained towards the burning house, thrashing and hitting at the person restraining her. It had to be nearing midnight, and the flames would act as a beacon to the other farm houses, distantly Alec knew he needed to drag them away quickly, that it was in fact to late to save Will. But even as he restrained her, he felt the same painful pull to run in there and try. That wasn’t what he wanted though, Will had said to run, and Alec like a coward had, leaving Will to bleed out and then burn._

_“Please! We can save him, Please!”_

_But no they couldn’t. It hit Alec like a train, knocking the breath out of him as he collapsed with her in his arms. Will was gone, and fuck it hurt, it hurt so much, his best friend, Abby’s parabatai gone. Alec gripped her tighter as she broke, and whispered the only thing he could as he rocked back and forth, “I’m so sorry, it should have been me, it should have been me.”_

   Alec jerked awake abruptly, his heart was beating fast just as it had in the dream, and a sheen of sweat made him wonder for a moment if the heat from the fire had some how reached him into the real world. He was lying in the soft red sheets of Magnus’ bed, who was lying facing away from Alec, still deeply asleep, to which he was infinitely grateful. He turned his eyes upwards as he tried to get his breath back and banish the unwelcome feelings the memory had brought him, and Alec knew there would be no more sleep for him tonight, just like all the other times this dream had plagued him.

   With practiced ease he slipped from the bed without disturbing his partner and slipped on a shirt and a pair of boxers. Alec spared only a moment to look at Magnus’ sleeping face. Alec carefully ignored the butterflies Magnus’ peaceful face caused in his stomach, as he slowly left the room fighting the urge to wake him if only for the sake of a distraction. Alec moved through the loft with the easy familiarity of home, not needing lights to make his way first to the kitchen, where he grabbed some water, then to the balcony. Opening the doors, he breathed in the fresh air and reveled in the feeling of cool air on his sweaty skin, finally Alec felt like he could breath without the distant smell of smoke or wailing in his ears. Instead he took in the sounds of Brooklyn, where even at 1 am cars honked and buildings lit up the skyline, he could even hear laughing some where below allowing for proper distraction.

   That dream had been plaguing Alec for the past week, leaving him with no more then four or five hours of sleep. He knew why, he knew this happened every year around the time of Will’s death, and he also knew that unless he called Abigail he would continue to suffer. But he always put it off to the last minute, because dammit he deserved to suffer, it was all his fault, he knew it and even though Abigail disagreed, it didn’t change the immense guilt he felt when he saw her, or the fact Will was gone.  
There was a sudden quiet ringing to his left, where Alec had placed his phone. With a sigh, he picked it up and saw it was Jace lighting up the screen, he frowned, there was no reason for him to be calling. Jace had the night off, no patrols or watch duty which meant he was calling for some other reason, with a sinking feeling he answered, leaning tiredly against the balcony.

   “Jace?”

   “Alec! Hey are you ok?” Jace’s voice sounded unnaturally concerned and quick considering Alec was almost sure he hadn’t been sending out any distress signals.

   “I’m fine Jace, why? What’s going on?” Alec spoke carefully, fully aware Jace had been worrying about him since the nightmares began a week ago.

   “The Bond,” Jace responded hesitantly, “It felt off, and then there was a dream-”

   Jace saw the dream?! Panic seized Alec at the thought he had seen his nightmare, that he _knew_ what had happened. He moved the phone away as his breath quickened, he could fix this, he had been so careful these past weeks, these past years. He knew how to block his parabatai, he shouldn’t have seen anything, but if he had in fact seen something, he needed to know what.

   “Alec? Are you alright?” Jace’s voice sounded distantly from the phone. Alec lifted the phone back to his ear and closed his eyes against the night and noise that suddenly felt suffocating.

   “Yeah, Jace I’m fine. You said dream? What did you see?” Alec hoped Jace wouldn’t notice how shaky his voice was.

   “Um, nothing much, just some fire, and a house burning. It was blurry, but I felt you, you were upset, Alec?”

   Relief. Pure relief as Jace explained, Alec didn’t even bother to muffle their bond letting the feeling of ease come across, knowing it would calm his parabatai. “Its fine Jace, just a nightmare, I barely remembered it when I woke up, I’m sorry for waking you.” His relief combined with his now steady voice seemed to do the trick.

   “Ok man, its fine, just you know if you need to talk I’m here.” Jace almost sounded hopeful. But yeah no dice, this wasn’t something Alec thinks his parabatai would ever know.

   “Thanks, but really I’m good. I have to go, Magnus is waking up, I’ll see you tomorrow.” He hung up without waiting for a reply. Alec took a moment to make sure the bond was fully muffled, before moving to sit on one of the patio chairs.

   Alec understood what he was doing wasn’t fair. Muffling the bond left Jace wrong footed and unsure more often then not, and he knew it was only because Jace expected it around this time that he didn’t bother to ask why. It still drove him mad, but now having Magnus only complicated things. His insomnia hadn’t gone unnoticed and Alec knew Magnus was waiting on him to explain, clearly afraid to push, but Alec couldn’t.

   This was the one thing he needed to keep to himself, if they knew, if any of his loved ones knew they would know what a coward he had been. Abigail, for all the guilt was the only one that understood, she felt it too, the guilt, grief, and shame from their past. More often than not it felt they could only get each other through, just like they had in the wake of Will’s death. Alec knew his nosy siblings and loving boyfriend wouldn’t understand, he wasn’t sure he wanted them to. A rain drop fell, then another, Alec sat there starring blankly then turned his face upwards, wondering once again if some how the cool rain could put out the fire in his memory.

   He needed to call Abigail.


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Look at this, I finally updated! I swear this story is completely planned out from start to finish so updates should be more frequent. Oh and next chapter will have much more plot I promise :)

   Morning found Alec sitting on the couch watching the rain as indecision warred within him. He had been clutching his phone for hours now, fingers constantly twitching over the contacts, where Abigail was first. Angels, why was this so hard? He has called her multiple times over the past year, they talked regularly, but now that it was about _that_ he couldn’t do it without feeling sick. This was despite the fact that he knew she was currently struggling the same as him, but also like him was stubborn enough to drag it on longer than necessary.

   Muffled sounds came from the bedroom as Magnus began to wake, roughly knocking Alec out of his head. He stood quickly to put the coffee on, hoping it would seem like he had woken just moments before. It wouldn’t do to worry Magnus even more, Alec was well aware he had been neglectful this past week, out of fear Magnus would push too hard for answers. A moment later Alec felt Magus come up behind him and slide his arms around his waist, snuggling his face into his back. Alec grinned as he felt Magnus yawn widely.

   “Hey,” Magnus murmured, squeezing his waist gently. Alec turned in his arms and took in the sleepy look on his boyfriend’s face, and the way his hair stood on end. Smiling Alec leaned down and gently pressed his lips to his, holding there for a moment in a chaste kiss.

   “Hey,” Alec replied when he pulled away.

   “Hmm, what was that for Alexander?” Magnus was blinking the sleep away now and looking at him with that fond expression that always caused warmth to flow through Alec.

   It was so easy to just let the nightmare and tension slip away with Magnus’ arms around him. Alec raised his hand to swipe along his cheek, a gesture he used these days to signal he wanted to see his lover’s eyes, his real eyes. A moment later the glamour dropped and Alec smiled, “I missed you.”

   Magnus laughed. “I do believe we just spent the night together you know.”

   Alec shrugged, it was still true in every way that mattered. The action, however, turned Magnus’ eyes piercing, “how did you sleep last night?”

   He suppressed a sigh.

   “Fine, coffee?”

   He turned, hoping to dismiss the question and reached for their cups. Alec felt Magnus withdraw from him and the sudden cold on his back left him vulnerable suddenly. A moment later, however, he felt Magnus’ hand gently stroking along his neck, following the lines of his deflect rune.

   Alec allowed his eyes to flutter closed and leaned into the touch, a shiver making its way down his spine. They stood in silence just like that for a moment.

   “I don’t like seeing you like this Alexander,” his voice was soft and wary like he was trying to calm a frightened animal. “I don’t know why you won’t speak about it but I’m here, and I want you to be ok,” His hand settled on Alec’s neck, no longer stroking. “I love you, please tell me what I can do.”

   Guilt twisted Alec’s insides at the hurt and concern in his lover’s voice. He didn’t want him to worry, and he sure as hell didn’t deserve it. But this was Magnus and for all his love he couldn’t lie, not the way he did to everyone else.

   Alec turned once more to face Magnus’ golden eyes head on, he raised his hand to his cheek and tried his hardest to offer up a small smile, though it came out more like a grimace. Magnus was watching him carefully, and there was this hopeful expression on his face that reminded Alec too much of Jace’s voice earlier that night.

   “I love you, Magnus, so much. I’m sorry about the nightmares-” Magnus opened his mouth to interrupt but Alec quickly shushed him. “I haven’t been the best boyfriend lately, but I promise to change that. I can’t explain the dreams, not yet, but I will get better.”

   Magnus was looking at him wearily again. Like he was unsure if he should trust his boyfriend’s words. Alec hadn’t lied, he would call Abigail and he would spend time with her like every year and when he came back it he would be fine. Just like always. As for not explaining the dreams, he desperately hoped Magnus would let it be once he returned, and the nightmares disappeared.

   Finally, Magnus blew out a resigned sigh and leaned his head back on Alec’s chest. “Ok, for now I’ll let it go cause you need to go to work. BUT we are going to talk tonight, and you have to promise to take one of my sleeping potions, AND wake me if you have another nightmare.”

   Alec lifted his boyfriend’s chin. He smiled gently into his stern gaze until Magnus broke into a grin. “Deal,” he whispered before sealing it with another gentle kiss.

 

 

 

   Alec was not at all surprised to be immediately greeted by his parabatai the moment he set foot into the institute. The careful distance he had been maintaining through the bond had caused his brother to become unreasonably clingy, not that he couldn’t sympathize.

   Jace was absently spinning his steele around as he waited by the doors, clearly impatient for his parabatai’s arrival. He was dressed in battle gear, which meant he had patrol this morning, his hair was a mess, yet still managed to look good in that unfair way of his, and under his shining eyes were bags of exhaustion that caused a pang of self-loathing to flow through Alec.

   For all that Jace still bounced up to his with an uncontrollable grin that suggested his lack of sleep hadn’t affected him at all. Alec decided he hated him for that.

   “Alec! You’ll never guess what area we get to patrol!” Jace’s hand landed on Alec’s arm as he tugged excitedly like a child on the sleeve of his jacket.

   “I don’t think I want to know Jace if you are this excited for it.” Alec groaned, stalking towards his parent’s office.

   “Aw come on big brother, its gonna be fun, we haven’t patrolled properly in forever,” his voice took on an almost whiny tone.

   Despite the light-hearted way he teased, Alec heard the unspoken words in that sentence. He meant _they_ hadn’t patrolled _together_ in awhile, awhile being for about a week since the nightmares started and he began blocking the bond.

   It was too easy in the heat of battle to let himself get swept up in the bond, in the feeling of connecting with his parabatai. He couldn’t risk letting things slip through, especially when the other half of his soul would happily go poking about at the first chance he got. It wasn’t as though he didn’t want to because by the angel did he ever. He could feel his soul physically yearning for the connection of its other half, but no, he couldn’t, not yet. A little longer.

   “Jace.”

   Both Alec and Jace looked up to see Robert standing just outside his office, beckoning the boys over. He quickly guided them in, and motioned toward the chairs, Alec and Jace exchanged a glance weary as always of being seated like this before their father, who in the moment was the acting head of the Institute while Maryse was away.

   Robert didn’t bother with any pleasantries beyond a nod toward Alec. He turned to Jace, “there has been a switch up for the patrol.”

   “What!?” Jace stood anger taking over his features. Alec looked down unable to face his parabatai despite asking his father to do this. “What do you mean? This patrol has been planned for like, a week?”

   Jace turned to his brother, “Alec, come on tell him-” Alec didn’t need to look up to know Jace had easily realized he was the one who had requested the patrol change.

   Before could say anything more, Robert’s stern voice took charge. “Sit down and be quiet Jace, we are not done.” Alec’s stomach twisted feeling the distant sense of betrayal coming from his brother. He had asked his father to step in and change the patrol, the only call he had managed last night.

   After the incident Alec had found his father to be the most understanding. His parents were never the type to coddle their children, of that Alec was aware, but in this is father had remained supportive, though he could never understand why. His mother on the other hand, was exasperated at best. Alec tried not to think it was anything beyond coincidence that sent his mother away now of all times, but Alec couldn’t blame her really, this time of year he was just as exasperated by himself as she was.

   “Alec, pay attention.” His head shot up, immediately sitting up straight and looking his father head on. Robert smiled slightly, Alec tried to ignore the pleased feeling that went through him. “As I was saying, Jace, you’ll be patrolling with Raj, Isabelle, and Adam,” a pause, “and bring Clary, she needs more experience.” Alec glanced at his parabatai whose face was drawn and angry, but softened slightly at that. He mentally applauded his father for offering Clary as a consolation prize for his absence.

   “I’m also putting you in charge of finding patrol replacements for Alec, he’ll be leaving tomorrow morning for Idris, until Friday.”

   Alec’s looked back at his father with surprise, only to find his father gazing at him disapprovingly. Right, he had taken matter into his own hands. he bowed his head again, not a surprise really, since he never seemed to get anything right with his father. Jace on the other hand was quiet, which was unusual for him.

   Robert seemed to notice the tension and dismissed himself with some excuse. Alec sat in his chair waiting, Jace could never be quiet for long.

   “So this is your thing right? You’ll go and come back on Friday like nothing happened until you start pushing me away again.”

   Alec turned in his chair to face his parabatai head on. The hostility in his tone and face as Jace looked at him with barely concealed anger and frustration hit Alec like a kick to the gut, stealing his breath for a moment. Angel this wasn’t fair, he didn’t want to hurt his parabatai this much, blocking him out was selfish sure, but a small insecure voice deep in Alec couldn’t help but wonder why he cared this much, Jace had never put up this much of a fight before.

   “Jace, I’m sorry-”

   “I don’t want to hear you are sorry Alec!” Jace exploded rising to his feet and towering over his brother.

   Despite Alec believing he had no right to his own anger, he couldn’t help the flush of irritation that swept through him, allowing him to glare into his parabatia’s angry eyes. “Fine, then tell me what it is you want from me, exactly.” Alec forced his voice to stay down, well-aware his father was likely outside the door.

   Jace didn’t bother with the same amount of control, raising his voice just below a shout. “I want you to stop blocking me out! I want you to act like my bloody parabatai and trust me! AND I WANT YOU TO KEEP YOUR PROMISE.” Jace was breathing harshly, his hands shaking slightly where they hung by his side and his eyes were shining with the frustration that couldn’t seem to go away.

   Alec looked up at his brother, prepared for a moment to taunt him into striking him like he seemed to want, when his words suddenly registered. Fuck, his promise. Alec swallowed thickly, as he felt tears burn the back of his eyes, because he messed up again. Jace was still standing there, desperation seeping into his features, and Alec felt a moment of panic flare through him. He could fix this, he was the big brother, he had to fix, the separation this time around had clearly been hurting Jace more then the last times he had done it. Closing his eyes, Alec reached out across the bond carefully removing the barriers for a moment, just a moment, it was all he needed. Alec let his regret, his worry, his fear sing across the bond, knowing Jace couldn’t explain them all, but wanting to give him something, anything.

   A moment later Alec could feel Jace respond, hands on his shoulder and the overwhelming feelings of relief and of course frustration. The promise. After the war with Valentine and Sebastian they had promised no more secrets, to focus on fulfilling the bond and more than anything, to TRUST each other. It was no surprise Jace was feeling betrayed, clearly, he had been hoping it would mean Alec would explain these episodes every year.

   “Why?” It was a whispered inquiry. Alec just shook his head, as much as Jace was hurting, Alec couldn’t bring himself to explain the nightmares or his need to go to Idris every year. He couldn’t give him that, one day maybe, but not now. Alec knew it translated through the bond when Jace’s hand tightened on his shoulder. Alec stood, Jace’s face was full of resignation and he kept his head lowered as he spoke, “Fine, Alec, do what you always do. I hope eventually you’ll just trust me enough to talk to me.” A pause, “for once.” Jace turned on his heel and walked off before Alec could respond, the bond closing again, this time form his brother’s side.

   Alec collapsed into his chair again, legs weak and mind feeling suddenly worn out. He wished he had called Abigail after the first nightmare. Yet, Alec also couldn’t help the feelings of irritation and resentment that grew as everyone insisted on pushing into his past, wanting to know things they had no right to. He felt a different hand settle on his shoulder, Robert, finally returned.

   “It’ll be alright Alec, he doesn’t understand. He’ll be fine when you come back and the bond resettles.” Alec didn’t bother to comment, that it may very be _if_ the bond resettles. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will have some Malec fluff, Abigail, and plot.  
> Let me know what you think so far :)


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a little too proud of this chapter for some reason. Maybe because its the longest one yet lol :)  
> This chapter will have some of Magnus' perspective, we'll be seeing more in the future but Alec will always have the dominant perspective.

   Alec spent the rest of the day with his father attempting to distribute any of the duties he would have had while away to others, though it was proving easier than Alec thought since his mother had apparently decided to return almost an hour after Alec would leave tomorrow. Not surprising really, and he found he didn’t really mind. Instead he found himself trying to stay focused beyond the consistent throbbing unease coming from the bond, and his anxiety about attempting to explain what would be a sudden departure tomorrow. He suspected Magnus might offer to go with him, something that simultaneously warmed and terrified him, knowing it was very likely he couldn’t offer a satisfactory answer to his boyfriend.

   Yet, another thing driving Alec’s exhausted brain to distraction was his father, who was currently sitting across from him, calmly writing a report while Alec was supposed to be dividing the duties. Beyond arranging a time for Alec to portal to Idris, his father had been frustratingly silent on exactly whom he spoke with concerning his yearly visit. Part of him suspected it was not in fact Abigail, but more likely her husband Christopher, who was if possible worse than Jace but far less nosy about their past.

   A piercing ring broke Alec from his thoughts. The black old-style phone on the desk was wailing loudly, Robert didn’t bother looking at it, first choosing to finish writing his sentence before deciding to pick up. Alec watched his father’s face carefully, having had plenty of practice over the years of knowing when it as good or bad news. Roberts simply nodded and asked them to wait a moment.

   He stood before handing it out to Alec, who simply raised an eyebrow. “Abigail” he whispered. He froze, unable to help it, starring at the receiver as his stomach twisted with yearning and fear. But he knew he was being ridiculous, he needed to talk to her if only to hear and deliver the constant false reassurances they had to offer each other. He took a deep breath before taking the phone, his eyes shutting of their own violation, conjuring up the image on the other side of the phone.

   Abby would be at the farmhouse just outside the Idris border, owned by her family, offered as a gift from the clave for the loyalty and work her family had always done. She would be sitting on the window seat, starring out at the forest not far from her home, knees curled up to her chin, her chestnut hair would be held back in a bun, and her bangs falling into her bright green eyes. He could practically see her, this was the pose she could always be found in the first few days they were together, face pale, eyes darkened from exhaustion, the scar which stretched from the outer corner of her eye down her cheek, standing out prominently. Alec imagined he never looked much better this time of year.

   Alec pressed the phone to his ear and just listened for a moment, ignoring the gentle touch his father left on his shoulder as he dismissed himself. For a moment, all he could hear was gentle breathing and the distant pattering in the background that was certainly rain. Then finally, “Alec?” her voice was small but gravely like it hadn’t been used in awhile. Alec felt himself slump as he let out a sudden gust of relief as the sound of her voice.

   “Abigail, hi” Alec could practically feel himself slip into the feeling of comfort and understanding being with her offered. “I won’t ask how you are doing, but hopefully better then me,” he offered a weak chuckle.

   She let out a small huff of air, which Alec figured was supposed to be a laugh. “I think we have officially reached pathetic,” she responded, “considering this time your father and my husband had to set up our meeting.”

   “Yes, well a lot has happened this year I thought…” Alec cut himself off.

   “I know.” And this was what Alec missed the most, someone who he didn’t need to explain or mince words. They both tried to get through it, without needing each other, without the nightmares getting too bad. Alec really thought, that just maybe, having Magnus would make it easier. But no, that wasn’t how this worked.

   “You’ll be arriving tomorrow? Right?” Alec ears perked up at the way she suddenly sounded very alert, all traces of the previous hesitation gone. He found himself sitting up in response, straining to hear her clearly.

   “Yeah, I’ll be there by eight.”

   “Good,” she let out a breath, “that’s really good.”

   “Abby? Are you alright?” Alec couldn’t help but feel something clench in his gut, and he wasn’t entirely sure if it was good or bad.

   “Yes, I’m ok considering. But Alec, listen, I found something. I’ll need your help, but if I’m right about this and we can confirm it…” her voice was urgent now, some of the spark he knew so well shining through the grief they had both been suffering the past week, and unbidden Alec found himself getting swept up in it. His mind making the connections to what she was saying and adrenalin surging through him.

   Still Alec found himself hesitate, but only for a moment. “did you find it?”

   Her voice dropped as if telling a secret, “I think I might have, I know you said to stop, and Christopher was saying it too, but its Will, how do I just let that go? I-“

   “Its ok.” Alec cut her off, the sudden excitement of what it meant getting to him. “Abby I get it, I’m right there with you. Will would do the same in a heartbeat and if this is    really it, maybe-” his voice broke for a second, “maybe we can get closure.”

   Abigail hummed from the other end, then quietly, almost as if speaking to herself more than Alec she whispered, “Closure.” It sounded like both a prayer and a promise.

   Alec echoed it back one more time, but it came across clear as day, as though he had sworn on all the angels and himself. “closure.”

 

 

   Magnus Bane was stressed, so stressed in fact that for the past thirty minutes he had been pacing the floor of his apartment, a habit he absolutely loathed, but could not abstain from. Alexander was the source of his stress and frustration, his lover’s silence to be more exact.

   The nightmares began a week ago, and at the time Magnus saw nothing to be concerned about, considering Alexander had been through a lot the past while, and he was more than entitled to sleepless nights, which Magnus himself had experienced a few times. However, when he attempted to get Alexander to discuss them he was met with evasive answers and desperate pleading for him to leave it be. This left a sour taste in Magnus’ mouth who hated seeing Alexander slowly withdraw from him, only warming when the questions stopped, it left him feeling helpless and wrong footed, something he utterly detested.

   Luckily, he had Isabelle. After only three days of Alexander leaving the apartment exhausted and quiet, she called him, offering half answers for her brother’s behaviour and pleading for him to let Alexander be, to not ask questions but just be there for him. From Isabelle he gathered that Alexander slipped into this grief once a year or so, pushing people away, suffering from nightmares and it all had to do with something in his past.

   The concept both boggled Magnus’ mind and left him valiantly trying to hold back an irrational anger at the injustice of the situation. It seemed almost impossible that Alexander’s sibling wouldn’t know what had happened considering how young he still was, and worse that he hadn’t trusted anyone with the event. His anger though, came from the hypocrisy of Alexander wanting to know all about his past but not sharing this one important event with his own lover.

   The only thing keeping that frustration in check, was Magnus’ concern for his lover. He knew trauma when he saw it, and the nightmares coupled with grief were proof enough to overrule his petty anger for the moment, instead he simply was desperate to get his Alexander back.

   His pacing came to an abrupt stop when his phone began to ring loudly, he was not at all surprised to see it was Izzy, who had been giving and receiving progress reports on her brother.

   Answering his phone, Magnus didn’t bother with his usual dramatics instead getting to the point. “Isabelle darling, how is he?”

   “Magnus, he’s alright, dad took him off patrol,” he sighed with relief, knowing exhaustion had dulled his beautiful shadowhunter’s reflexes.

   “But I’m calling to give you a heads up,” she sounded hesitant, as though unsure of how he would respond. Magnus suppressed his exasperation, in the past week he had become closely acquainted with an extremely protective Isabelle.

   “Heads up about what? No need to worry dear, I don’t think you’ll surprise me anymore.”

   He could practically hear Isabelle nod her head in agreement, “I didn’t tell you everything, about what this week means for Alec,” she hesitated again, as if waiting for Magnus to cut her off, he chose to remain silent. “I didn’t tell you because I was hoping it wouldn’t be necessary this year but looks like its happening.”

   Ok Magnus did not have time for riddles. “Isabelle please get to the point, I’m a very busy warlock.”

   Izzy blew out a sigh. “Every year he spends a few days in Idris and then he comes back as good as new.”

   Magnus frowned, confused as to why this should have made Isabelle nervous, and why this sounded almost like a bad thing. “I’m not seeing the issue here.”

   “Its just that-” she let out a huff of air. “we don’t know what he does there, only that he meets with an old friend named Abigail and when he comes back the nightmares stop until next year.”

   Now he understood, “I guess you never bothered to ask what he was doing?” Magnus worked to keep irritation from his voice, finding himself unable to comprehend why they would just let their brother suffer in silence, and not insist on answers.

   Izzy, however, didn’t bother keeping the irritation from her voice, “of course not! Magnus you don’t understand. If we try to ask, he deflects or pushes us away, and the last thing he needs right now is to be alone!”

   He wanted to argue the point, but he himself had been pushed away and it was incredibly difficult to reach Alexander once he locked himself away. So instead he tried a different tactic, “What about this Abigail person? It sounds like she knows what happened, have you tried asking her?”

   She was silent on the other end of the phone for a moment, before speaking quietly. “Yes, Jace got sick of being avoided and tried to ask Abigail once when she visited, what exactly happened.”

   Magnus strained to hear her, “And?”

   “And she starred at him with this look that could kill, I thought for a moment she would draw her seraph blade on him. But she didn’t, instead she went completely pale, Jace asked her again, loudly this time because he was angry, and Alec was right there behind him.” Izzy stopped again. Magnus suddenly felt his stomach turn, sensing it had all gone wrong from there.

   “Alec shoved Jace away from her, I’ve almost never seen him look that angry and sick, and I mean sick like he himself was going to throw up. I was there and I wanted so badly to know what was wrong with Alec, but when I saw that look of betrayal I didn’t want to anymore. He actually _flinched_ when Jace held a hand out to him, then mom and dad came in.” Magnus swallowed hard. “I expected them to get mad at Alec for making a scene, but they didn’t, dad grabbed Jace and hauled him up and began to yell at him about insulting a guest. That never happens Magnus, Jace is the favourite, it’s a fact but that day I knew it was serious.”

   Izzy let out a sigh, her voice, which had faded as she reminisced, came back to itself. “I think Jace got it to because he let it go for awhile after that. But the thing I remember most, was the fact that Abigail was holding back tears, and my brother was standing in front of her like he had to protect her from _us._ Alec went to Idris for two weeks that time, instead of three days, so now maybe you get why I don’t want to push.”

   Magnus opened his mouth to respond, but found he had nothing to say that would explain his complex feeling of the situation. The story was telling in its own right, that if he wanted to discover what happened, he would need to tread carefully.

   Izzy took his silence for acceptance, “Alright, so Alec is going to tell you about Idris tonight, just don’t push, I would like to see my brother back and well in three days. Let him tell you what he needs to, but don’t offer to go with him because he will say no and don’t ask to many questions about Abigail, got it?”

    Magnus, nodded before remembering Izzy couldn’t see him. “Got it, Thank you my dear.”

   He hung up and made his way over to the couch, his mind running a mile a minute. He believed in privacy and the importance of communication, but Magnus could not stand by while his lover went through the cycle of grief every year. He wanted to help Alexander, and to do that he needed to know what happened, and Isabelle had unknowingly given him a lead and an ally.

   Magnus would give Alec every opportunity to tell him more tonight, not everything, if he wasn’t ready but he needed Alexander to confide in him something, anything. And while Alexander was away Magnus would try to gain some understanding of what he suffered. Clearly, he would find an ally in Jace, according to Isabelle’s story, and also from Isabelle’s story he realized that Alexander and Abigail were not the only ones who knew what happened, but also Maryse and Robert.

   Magnus summoned himself a drink, and chose to ignore the feeling of unease his plan caused in his gut. He wasn’t looking to invade Alexander’s privacy, but he needed to ease his lover’s suffering, it was far too painful to watch. He didn’t need details, just the overall picture. With a sigh, he rose and made his way to his office, he had promised Alexander a sleeping draught for tonight.

 

 

   Alec was on his third stamina rune for the day when he stumbled his way to Magnus’ loft. The adrenalin from his conversation with Abby had faded hours ago, and was instead replaced with anxiety about telling Magnus he would be going to Idris for the next three days. His exhaustion also hadn’t helped, yet he found himself dreading going to sleep once again, part of him wondered how many stamina runes he would need to make it to the next morning.

   Alec arrived at the loft and slid his key into the hole and with practiced ease managed to slip inside without letting the Chairman out, who was at the door clearly awaiting the opportunity. He grinned and swept the cat up, who seemed only mildly irritated to be denied freedom.

    “Magnus? I’m home” Alec called out into the apartment. There was no answer and he frowned, he was almost certain Magnus had no client today. He began to walk through when Magnus suddenly appeared around the corner, a grin on his face, causing warmth to flow through Alec.

   “Alexander, love, I’m glad you are home, I made dinner.”

   Alec released the Chairman and pulled his boyfriend into his arms. Magnus was wearing less makeup than usual, the only noticeable traces being the dark sparkling eyeshadow and nail polish. With a small smile, he lead forward and pressed his lips to Magnus’ who reacted eagerly, tightening his grip on Alec’s hips.

   After a moment Alec pulled away, feeling his anxiety eased some. He then glanced down and saw that Magnus was wearing one of his black shirts, which hung loosely on him and a pair of jeans with several holes, which he had been informed were stylish. Alec loved seeing Magnus in his clothes, and for a moment he was overwhelmed with the feeling of _home_.

   “Alexander?” He glanced up into his warlock’s amused eyes, “rough day love?”

   Alec chose to just nod. “Alright then, come along.” Magnus took his hand and guided him out to the balcony. Alec laughed suddenly.

   “I thought you cooked?”

   Magnus raised an eyebrow. “Yes?”

   Alec gestured that the five-star meal and squeezed his hand, “Since when does summoning mean cooking, hmm?”

   He rolled his eyes and sat. “I decided to treat us tonight, semantics hardly matter.”

   Alec found that for once he was too tired to properly debate this and instead sunk down into a chair next to his boyfriend. “Fine, and why exactly are we treating ourselves tonight?”

   Magnus snapped his fingers and glasses of Champaign appeared in their hands. “Well, we have had a rough week-”

   “I’m sorry” Alec couldn’t help but apologize, even as Magnus lifted his hand to stop him.

   “-And since I apparently won’t be seeing you for the next few days, though I hope you’ll send me fire messages, I figured we should enjoy the night together.”

   Alec froze, looking at his boyfriend in shock. How did he know about the trip to Idris already?

   Magnus smiled, a quiet laugh escaping his lips at the surprise and shock on his lover’s face.

   “How? I-”

   Magnus reached over and squeezed his arm gently, immediately Alec felt himself relax.

   “It was Isabelle, she felt it necessary to warn me before hand that you would be going to visit an old friend…” Magnus paused for a moment looking intently into Alec eyes, “someone that can help?”

   Alec felt relief flood him, although he was never happy when his sister meddled he was grateful this time. Magnus clearly wasn’t upset about the sudden trip, and it appeared she had warned him not to offer to come along, but an old friend? He could see the questions swimming in Magnus’ eyes and he tried hard not to sink down.

   He found himself looking at the meal Magnus had put together; the way it was obvious he was trying to put him at ease. The guilt surged forward as Magnus waited patiently, he owned him something didn’t he? This whole week he had been entirely supportive, stopped asking questions when he needed him too, and tried to offer comfort in small gestures. A name was harmless, wasn’t it?

   Alec cleared his throat and met the earnest stare of his lover, noticing for the first time the gentle circles he was rubbing on his arm. “An old friend, yeah.” Alec swallowed. “Her name is Abigail, I’ve known her since I was five. I’ll be staying with her, she’s great.”

   A small smile appeared on Magnus’ face that Alec couldn’t interpret. “I’m glad you’ll be spending some time with a friend if it will help you.” He then turned to their meal, spearing a green bean and held it out to Alec.

   He hesitated only a moment before biting the piece. He found himself relaxing, and infinitely grateful his hadn’t pried into Abigail.

   The rest of the night was slow, comfortable and loving. They ate, and then Magnus insisted they watch a movie and cuddle on the couch. Alec had grinned and agreed, despite being well-aware he was creating a comfortable and cozy situation for Alec to fall asleep, only further proved when he offered the sleeping draught. He took it willingly, despite knowing it wasn’t likely to work and settled on the couch. He had Magnus wrapped tightly in his arms, both were just in boxers, with a light blanket covering them. The movie began to play, but Alec payed no attention, instead nuzzling Magnus’ neck leaving small kisses that made the warlock let out a huff of laughter.

   Eventually his eyes began to close, however, the warmth and comfort from Magnus soothing him and allowing his body to slowly relax. Just as he was about to drift off he heard Magnus quietly call his name.

   “Hmm?”

   He felt him gently stroke his hand where it was curled on his stomach.

   “I was wondering…”

   He sounded nervous and unsure, Alec forced it eyes open, the room was dark but for the light from the TV. “Yeah? Mags, what is it?”

   “Would you consider, when you see your friend, inviting her back with you?” Magnus didn’t pause to hear an answer, “just for the night of course! I just haven’t met any of your friends outside of New York and I would love to meet an old friend of yours-”

   “Mags stop.” He fell silent, and Alec laid there for a moment, surprised to find himself not as worried about the possibility as he expected. He realized he _wanted_ her to meet him. They had talked about Magnus but this was the first time he thought of them in the same room and despite some small anxiety he found it sounding like a good idea. And if everything went according to plan, like she said on the phone, they could meet without the dark cloud of what happened hanging over them.

   Magnus had begun to get twitchy in his arms, clearly thinking he had said the wrong thing. Alec smiled slightly and reaching over he gently turned Magnus’ chin to meet him. Pressing a gentle kiss there, Magnus let out a sigh and relaxed. “It sounds like a great idea.” Alec whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think :)


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So obviously this took awhile, really sorry to all the people who have been waiting, but I'm hoping this super seize update will make up for it? It was supposed to be even longer but I decided the second bit fit better in the next chapter.  
> Let me know what you think:)

_There was the cool feeling of night air on Alec’s skin making him shiver from the cold. He was dressed in minimal battle gear and standing in what appeared to be an open meadow. The moon was high in the sky casting an ominous glow that only made the feelings of unease in Alec’s gut intensify. He didn’t know where he was, but the dark shadows and high trees made him grip his seraph blade tighter. He looked down at it only to find it felt indistinct in his hand and it cast no glow, panic swept through him, making his legs weak._

_His breath was coming quicker, as the wind rustled the leaves he spun in place. He could sense a threat and felt incredibly vulnerable with only the seemingly broken blade. It took all of his focus not to hyperventilate, wishing he had his bow so he could just fire at all the noises rustling around him._

_“Alec?” He spun on his feet and narrowed his eyes into the shadows. A moment later a figure appeared and he froze._

_“Abby?” But no, it wasn’t Abby, not exactly. She walked into the faded moonlight, she was wearing minimal gear like him and her shirt was torn and bloody. It was her face though that was the worst. There was a large gaping cut down the side of her face from her eye down the side, drenching her throat and chest in blood. Her eyes were wild and tear filled as she approached and Alec continued to stay frozen. The blade in his hand fell, no matter what was wrong with her, he couldn’t hurt her._

_“Alec? Why did you do this to us? Why would you hurt us?”_

_Her voice was broken and quiet, so filled with grief that Alec felt his own throat clog up and he couldn’t speak or say anything._

_his silence, however, seemed to throw her into a frenzy and suddenly she was screaming and marching toward him. “WHY ALEC?! WHY? THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN YOU, IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN YOU!”_

_Then she was right there, grabbing him by the throat and with superhuman strength lifting him off his feet. Fear skated down his spine and he kicked his feet blindly as he struggled for air. Her hate filled eyes were all he could see as she shook him roughly._

_“Ple-” Alec tried to plead but her grip tightened and he choked, tears filling his eyes. He wanted to scream and beg, for what he wasn’t completely sure. Just as his vision started to darken around the edges the grip loosened and he was brought close to her face._

_But it wasn’t Abigail anymore, instead he was starring into Will’s hazel eyes which shone with betrayal. Alec watched in horror as his flesh began to slowly melt as flames rose around them, erupting from his skin, and the curls of his hair. The hand around his throat released him and he fell in a heap at his feet. Will was grinning manically as he burned, his clothes turning to ash and blood and flesh falling off._

_He kneeled in front of Alec who scrambled away, “YOU LEFT ME TO BURN ALEC, DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT FEELS LIKE?”_

_Fear had Alec choking back sobs, even as he began hyperventilating starring as his best friend fell to his knees, The grin was still there even as he fell forward onto the grass, his body continuing to burn. Then Abigail was there again, and Alec was sobbing unconsolably as she screamed over his body again and again, shaking Will until her body caught on fire too._

   Alec woke gasping for air and arms flailing out wildly to push away an unforeseen threat. He scrambled off the bed and stumbled as he attempted to reach the bathroom, ignoring Magnus calling his name in a panic.

   The moment he was inside, he slammed the door shut and heaved over the toilet as the smell of burned flesh invaded his nose and his throat ached from the screaming he had obviously been doing. For a moment, there was only the sound of Alec’s heavy breaths and the occasional retching when his stomach turned.

   “Alexander darling? Can I come in please?” Magnus’ concerned voice came from behind the door, and the sound brought Alec completely out of his dream and into the real world. He sat back finally attempting deep breaths, wanting to calm himself before allowing his concerned boyfriend to see him. He had never been more grateful for Magnus’ careful sense of boundaries, it was likely the only thing that kept him from barging in.

   Alec stood and shivered, noting he was still only in his boxers and Magnus had carried him back to the bedroom last night. His eyes fluttered closed, the image of Will burning both familiar and horrifying rising up behind his eyelids, he swallowed thickly and pushed it away. He didn’t have tome to wallow in his guilt, there would be plenty of time later, but right now Magnus was probably about to lose it, he could practically sense his agitation through the door.

   Slowly Alec made his way to the bathroom door and opened it, to find Magnus standing there in only a t-shirt and boxers, nervously wringing his hands, face contorted into a mask of worry.

   Upon seeing Alec’s pale and drawn face Magnus’ worried face softened, as if knowing Alec detested to be worried over. Without a word he took Alec’s hand and led him over to the bed, and to Alec’s own surprise he let him, despite just wanting to find a quit place to hideout until morning.

   He was tugged onto the bed, Magnus sat them up against the headboard with Alec wrapped tightly in his arms, a reassuring presence not yet pushing despite the questions Alec knew he was burning to ask. Suddenly Alec felt tears build up in his eyes at this quiet acceptance and the steady loving pressure around him. In that moment the guilt, fear, and secrecy caught up to him, and with a sob he turned into his boyfriend’s shoulder. Within moments he had tears falling down his face and his hands desperately gripped Magnus as he began to shake, his wails building until he was gasping for air and choking on his sobs. Magnus gripped him tighter and gently rocked him, whispering soothing words Alec couldn’t hear over his own cries.

   He was being assaulted by his emotions that had been building not just in the past week, but in the years since he had lost Will, and while he held on desperately to his loving boyfriend, he couldn’t shake the sick feeling that he didn’t deserve this love, he didn’t deserve this comfort. He had hurt them so bad, he couldn’t keep them safe, just like all the times he had failed Izzy, Jace, and Max, but it had been with Abigail and Will that his weakness had cost a life for the first time, not just a scratch or bite and Max was the second. Another sob wracked Alec who could do nothing to stop the flow of tears, and it was there in Magnus’ arms he stayed until morning just needing something, anything to ground him.

 

 

 

   Alec woke early in the morning, face swollen and throat raw from the tears he had cried the night before. He was clearly alone and Alec found himself horrified by his own actions last night, his face reddened from embarrassment. How was he supposed to face Magnus after that display? The whole point of this week had been not to worry his boyfriend and last night clearly destroyed all his attempts. His stomach clenched at the memory of his sobbing and the damp sheets next to his face. For a moment, Alec seriously considered slipping out of the loft and running off to the Institute before having to face his boyfriend. He sighed loudly, that would only make him a bigger coward then he already was.

   “Alexander?” Magnus was entering the room wearily, as if unsure how he would be received. Alec chose not to answer and just groaned and covered his red face with a pillow. He heard a gentle chuckle and the bed dipped next to him. Magnus’ hands found his hair and began to comb his fingers through it, Alec couldn’t help but let his body relax as he leaned into the gesture.

   “Sweetheart?” His voice was quiet and sincere now, Alec felt his stomach twist at the gentle tone, last thing he deserved after how he acted last night. “You have nothing to be embarrassed about you know.”

   The pillow was gently tugged down to reveal Magnus’ earnest expression and his cat eyes on full display, meant to show how seriously he meant what he was saying. Alec couldn’t help but avert his eyes, “I’m sorry,” Alec murmured, “I shouldn’t have broken down like that. I’m fine no-”

   “No.” Magnus interrupted harshly. Alec glanced back at this boyfriend who almost appeared to be glowing in the morning light as his eyes lit up with a sudden determination. “You are not fine Alexander, and that is _ok._ You don’t need to be fine with me, you don’t need to hide from me. I know you are taught that to cry, to show any excess of emotion is weakness, but not here, not with me.”

   Emotion swelled within Alec at that even as his mind rebelled against it. The hand that wasn’t carding through his air turned Alec’s face toward his, where Magnus was fervently searching his eyes for understanding. “I will never turn against you for needing to grieve or show emotion, there is nothing greater then knowing you trust me with that. I know this week has been difficult, but I’m glad you chose to stay with me last night, instead of hiding away.”

   Alec didn’t know what to say to that. He had never been good with words the way Magnus was, and his emotions were too complicated to say he was glad he stayed too. But the honesty coming from Magnus, despite the hypocrisy Alec was showing, only left the burden of guilt feeling heavier then ever. He had once begged Magnus to share his past with him, and now here he was denying the same courtesy, so his words both warmed him and left him as uneasy as ever. There was only one thing Alec could think to say, that wasn’t any where near enough, but was all he could offer in this moment.

   Alec looked up into Magnus’ eyes and offered a small smile. “I love you.”

   Magnus met his smile with a sad one of his own, “And I you, my Alexander.”

 

 

 

   Jace was completely miserable at this point.    In less than two hours his parabatai would be disappearing into a portal for three days. He threw the knife as hard as he could into the target at the end of room, uncaring that it missed. He threw another and another, wanting to scream his frustration with each one as he did, if only to relieve the tension he could feel through the bond.

   Jace had been in the training room for the past five hours, since he had been woken by another nightmare of fire and the feeling of absolute horror and panic slipping through the muffled bond. Every instinct he had was to call and check in on his brother, but he knew it would be neither helpful nor welcomed, so instead he was here taking out his frustration on the targets and dummies.

   There was no explanation Jace could offer for how it felt to have the bond this weak and muffled. Most years when this happened it wasn’t a big deal, Alec was always a room away and he could easily have him insight when he sensed something was wrong, but this year it was practically unbearable.

   Alec was living with Magnus, which meant he couldn’t check in on him whenever he wanted, but worse, he had been so sure this year Alec would explain what happened. After everything they had been through, they had agreed no more secrets, but apparently that applied only to himself. Jace through the dagger with a growl before stalking over to the staffs.

   He was a realist though, and Jace wasn’t afraid to admit that part of his anger came from selfish emotions he couldn’t dismiss. Jace absolutely detested any feelings of helplessness, he was a man of action and if there was an issue he preferred to solve it quickly. But with Alec muffling the bond and refusing to confide in him, it left him stuck with helplessness every year and he couldn’t _stand_ it, the feeling left him off and the fact that it was because of his own parabatai only made it worse. He had faced Valentine, Sebastian, an Angel, even the whole debacle of thinking Clary was his sister, but he couldn’t fix his own brother.

   Jace knew it was mainly the fear of what it would do to the bond if he tried to confront Alec again, that stopped him. The way his brother was capable of just shutting people out was both scary and disheartening, but he had thought they were making progress on that after he came out, and had gotten together with Magnus.

   He began attacking the dummy in front of him with the staff, since beating something up made him feel less _useless_. He knew Izzy was watching from the doorway where she had appeared a moment before. Her dark hair was twirled into a bun and her lips were pursed in that disapproving way that reminded him way too much of mom, he just rolled his eyes at her and continued to hit the dummy. Izzy was almost as frustrating as Alec, though it wasn’t her fault, she was just so accepting, she didn’t understand what it felt like to have half of you soul pushing you away and muffling the emotional connection.

   Her high heels clicked over the training floor as she came to stand next to him, just outside of his staff’s range, he noted. Clearly, she wanted his attention, but Jace really wasn’t in the mood between his anger and exhaustion. She continued to stand there, however, and god knows Isabelle Lightwood was never to be ignored, so he with a grunt he hit the dummy one more time, bursting the straw and flinging the staff to the ground, he turned to her and let out a snapped “WHAT?”

   Isabelle didn’t bother to react to his tone. “I thought you might like to know Alec is leaving an hour early, so you better clean up and come say goodbye.” Jace just glared at her, she raised an eyebrow at his silence, eyes sweeping up the damage he had caused in the training room. “Its time to grow up Jace and say goodbye to your brother, need I remind you, its _Alec_ that’s hurt here?”

   Jace felt his anger surge, “And why is that huh? Why is he hurting? Because I have to say I’m getting really sick of treating him like glass every year without a damn good reason why!”

   Izzy didn’t rise to the bait, having gone through this most years, and Jace couldn’t help the disdain her calm caused. “I don’t know why, but I’m willing to support him until he’s ready,” Suddenly she gave him a sharp smile, “I really thought you would have grown up and gotten over your jealously Jace, lord knows Alec has done it enough times for you.” She spun on her heel and marched to the doorway only pausing a moment to hit him with her piercing eyes, “One hour, you will be there, and you will apologize for being an ass.”

   Jace watched her go frowning at her comment. It was hardly fair he thought, he had the right to be jealous that his brother, his _parabatai_ had found someone else to help him through whatever this was, that he trusted someone explicitly with this past. He had met Abigail a hand full of times and at least a dozen more back when he was too young to remember, but after the incident, when it became clear she knew everything and was who Alec chose to seek comfort, Jace had been unable to stop the growing resentment of the girl. Years later, and Jace was aware the resentment had turned into firm dislike, boarding on hatred no matter how unjustified it was, particularly after over hearing comments from Maryse and Robert who had once thought it would be with Abigail that Alec would become parabatai.

   Yeah, Jace hated this time of year, too many emotions and he couldn’t help but find it ironic that in this he and Alec felt the same. There was a gentle knocking at the door drawing Jace from his darkening thoughts, he looked up and grinned, seeing Clary.

   “Hey,” he greeted quietly, quickly walking up to her and sweeping her into a hug that she quickly returned.

   She pulled away too soon for his liking and he pouted, only to see the serious look on her face. She was beautiful as always, her fiery hair was wild as per usual, but her bright green eyes were looking at him with the determined spark he commonly associated with her. He didn’t particularly like when it was trained on him, at least not in this context.

   “We need to talk Jace.” Her voice was gentle but stern and he carefully withdrew, already knowing where this was going.

   “You are literally following up after Isabelle, so don’t bother.” He said tightly.

   She shook her head and grabbed one of his hands, curling their fingers together. “Listen to me Jace, nobody knows better than me how much this has been hurting you, I hate seeing him like this too-” Jace opened his mouth, mainly to say she should _understand_ then why he was angry, but she shushed him with a glare. “But, he is your parabatai, and if you don’t say goodbye to him, especially with the bond the way it is you will regret it. I’m not saying he is completely in the right, but getting angry with him isn’t going to make him any more likely to talk to you.”

   Angels, why did he have to fall in love with someone so damn realistic, and convincing. Her eyes were pleading with him, and he had to admit she was right, he would hate to leave things the way they were, especially if it wasn’t going to help. It didn’t mean he was giving up on finding out more though.

   He blew a sigh of defeat and Clary’s face lit up with a brilliant smile that instantly soothed his reservations. “Sometimes I think you are too good for me,” He said, cupping her face with his hand.

   She turned into it and kissed his palm, her eyes narrowed mischievously, “Actually, I think I’m just right.”

 

 

 

   Forty minutes later found Jace sitting in the portal room spinning his steele around mindlessly, and watching Clary and Izzy talking animatedly about something he didn’t bother to listen to. He was uncomfortably surprised to find he was anxious to see his parabatai, both in the good and bad sense. It was at that moment the doors at other end of the room opened, first to reveal Magnus and then Alec. It took only a moment for Jace to see Alec had a very rough night if the bags under his eyes and their glossiness was any indication.

   Alec’s eyes danced over the room, pausing on Jace who only offered a nod as his sister ran up. He could wait his turn. This was meant to be a quick goodbye, it was important the portals stayed on schedule, so Alec spoke briefly to Clary, then turned and hugged Izzy tightly. Once again Alec’s eyes met Jace’s, both could feel wariness through the bond.

   Jace paused suddenly, realizing the bond wasn’t muffled. An offering he realized as Alec approached him.

   “Hey.”

   Alec, ever awkward. Jace swallowed tightly, he could see Izzy glaring meaningfully at him. He looked up at Alec who looked nervous, which just wasn’t fair, especially with everything he had been dealing with.

   So swallowing his pride, he took his parabatai’s arm and gave a weak smile. “I’m sorry Alec, for what I said in the office yesterday. I know you need this.” It was the best he could do, but then he was completely overwhelmed by this sudden feeling of gratitude through the bond that made it utterly worth it.

   “Thank you,” Alec was looking at him with eyes brimming with emotion, with only a moment of hesitation he leaned in and hugged Jace tightly. Jace closed his eyes, pretending for a moment everything was alright, then Alec was pulling away and Jace had to strain to hear the whispered “I’m sorry”. With that the bond closed again and Alec turned toward Magnus.

   Jace was frustrated again but he wasn’t going to ruin the moment. Alec took his bag from Magnus, spoke quietly, then gave a gentle kiss before turning and disappearing into the portal without even a look back.

   Clary was there, saying something but he waved her off, needing a moment to readjust to the closed bond. Izzy was already gone, and the least he could do was escort Magnus from the institute, maybe get some reassurances that his brother was alright from him.

   When he looked up to offer just that, he was surprised to find Magnus already standing in front of him with piercing brown eyes.

   “I’d like to talk, if you have a moment.”

   Jace raised an eyebrow, only slightly surprised, but nodded, “What about?”

   Magnus cast his eyes from side to side, raising Jace’s suspicion and causing him to subconsciously lean into Magnus. He spoke quietly, as if afraid of being overheard. “You and I have a mutual interest in learning more about Alec’s past.”

   Jace rocked back for a moment surprised, only to find the warlock looked completely serious, and despite the sudden feeling of _wrong_ and _betrayal_ Jace found himself agreeing to meet Magnus at his loft in an hour.

 

 

   Alec stepped through the portal, he was almost surprised by how eager he was to escape the room behind him. Jace’s apology had overwhelmed him for a moment, but he wasn’t stupid enough to think it was complete acceptance, it was partly for that reason he was glad to finally step out of the suffocating care of his loved ones.

    On the other side of the portal Alec let out a dizzying breath and shook his head to clear himself of the portal travel symptoms. He had stepped into the secondary portal chamber in Idris, a large circular room made of brick and cement, lit by only by four windows. This was the room often used for people trying to keep a low profile, Alec found himself amused that his father had chosen this room for his entrance. At the door of the small room was a Shadowhunter in his early thirties, with ginger hair and a generous spread of freckles. The man looked bored out of his mind, Alec could relate, knowing portal duty was by far the most boring. He stated his name and business, not missing the way the man looked him up and down appraisingly, as if he would be able to _see_ Alec’s gayness, it took all his effort not to roll his eyes. He was used to the looks by now and was not afraid to call people out on it, but he was in fact supposed to keep a low profile.

   Alec waited patiently, as the man signed him in then pulled out an envelope for him, with some quiet thanks he made his way up the stairs. Typically, Abigail would meet him here, so with mild confusion he opened the letter:

_Alec I’m really sorry we couldn’t be there, Christopher and I were called into a meeting about the Moscow Institute, meet us at the tree, you know the one. I can’t wait to see you, there is so much to tell._

_Abigail Winthrow_

   Alec smiled slightly, the adrenalin he had felt at their conversation on the phone surging forward. He found himself walking briskly up the stairs, he kept his head down knowing it was too early for anyone important to recognize him until he was in the lobby and making his way out of the doors of the meeting hall. Alec glanced to the side to see not far in the distance a large maple tress standing proud on a hill, his stomach twisted as he turned onto the path toward it. Idris had always been a place of memories for him, both good and bad, over the years the bad seem to win out. Alec found himself grateful that Abby had picked this meeting place, it was a sign of how she was feeling, that there was only positive ones associated with it.

   Alec stood at the base of the hill up to the tree, he allowed a small smile to tug on his lips, and closing his eyes he felt the warmth of the sun bleed into him as he began the trek up. The tree was where he, Abigail, and Will had often met.

_Alec was laying against an old large maple on a hill well within sight of the meeting hall. His eyes were closed and the warmth of the sun left him feeling content and sleepy, even as he heard the murmur of voices floating up from where Shadowhunters were gathering for the meeting on the recent Downworlder dissent. His parents were attending but he had managed to convince his father to let him avoid it, there was no reason to attend, it wasn’t important and he was sure his mother could live without showing off her son for a couple hours._

_Instead Alec came to this tree, which had been planted as a remembrance of an old widow Shadowhunter known for bravery and valour in the face of grief. It had been a meeting place for him and his friends since they were old enough not to have their every move watched, but needed to appear inconspicuous. Now he was waiting for Abigail and Will, who were certainly battling their parents to avoid the meeting, same as him._

_He was struggling to stay awake when there was a sudden scream of his name. Startling into an upright position, he grinned at Abigail’s approaching figure as she flung herself at him. He fell back with grunt and a laugh, which quickly turned into a gasp for air as the weight doubled from Will plopping on top of them._

_Chuckling he threw them both off, “Come on guys, imagine if my parents saw that.”_

_Will leaned down and pulled him up, smiling that reckless grin of his that had become a trademark, “I know I know. They would berate you for your childish and inappropriate behaviour.”_

_Alec just shook his head, and examined his best friends. They hadn’t physically seen each other in months and Will had filled out since he last saw him. He had been training with a special teacher from Mumbai that had clearly already developed more muscles in his arms and broad chest, making Alec work not to stare. Yet, despite all of them in the midst’s of becoming adults Will still retained his boyish face, only highlighted by his curling brown hair and the mischievous glint in his hazel eyes._

_Alec and Abigail had been harbouring some resentment for his opportunity to train with the Shadowhunter and he could see her assessment of Will’s development left her feeling cheated too. Her bright green eyes met Alec’s and her mouth tilted up in a smirk, Alec just gave a slight nod and they both moved easily into fight positions, grinning at Will as he raised an eyebrow._

_“Really? Guys you think you can take me?” He stepped back, spreading his legs in a carefully balanced pose in preparation._

_“I don’t know, I saw you training earlier and you looked a little shaky” Abigail taunted._

_An exaggeration certainly, but when Will’s attention turned to her, his eyes narrowing, Alec used his back leg to push forward, sliding down and easily swiping his feet out from under him. He swung his legs away as Will went to grab them and Abby easily moved in behind Will, just as Alec moved on to his knees grabbing the leg that moved to kick him right where his face would have been. Abby suddenly grabbed him in a relaxed choke hold that Will would have easily been able to slip out of if Alec hadn’t then straddled his legs and restrained his hands at the same time._

_It was by no means a serious fight, not meant to hurt or even tweak any muscles, but it had become standard procedure when Abby and Alec met up with Will. His opportunities to train with special Shadowhunters typically boosted his ego and they were there to take advantage of the fact he would never make a move against them in any way, shape, or form. It was in accordance with a pledge he made when he accidentally broke Alec’s arm and it was Alec who his parents got angry at._

_Abigail and Alec were laughing lightly, still pinning a scowling Will when he finally tapped out and shoved them off._

_“ok ok I get it, screw off guys.” He sounded put out but they could tell he was hiding a smile. They all settled back against the tree, Abby and Will against it and Alec seated in front of them._

_“So, Alec, are the siblings here?” Abby raised an eyebrow at him, even though he was sure she knew the answer._

_“of course not!” Will scoffed, “if they were his parents would have dropped them all on him.” Alec could hear thinly veiled frustration there, since it was clear he didn’t like Alec’s parents and the responsibilities they left him with. He chose to ignore the tone, however, and answered Abigail directly._

_“Izzy and Jace are with Hodge. Max is here but he’s staying with our cousins right now, Izzy and Jace were pissed they couldn’t come.” They really were, especially Jace who had grown too used to joining Alec in his room when he had nightmares, he couldn’t help the flash of guilt at abandoning him._

_Will shook his head, reading his expression easily, “You, Alec Lightwood, are too good for anyone in this world.”_

_Alec snorted and threw a pine cone at him, if only that were true, since Alec was well-aware nobody but his friends thought so._

   Alec came back to himself when he heard the shuffling of feet coming up the hill behind him, he had sat on the grass once reaching the top, leaving his bag as a sort of back rest. He stood knowing exactly who it was. A moment later came Abby’s light voice as she crested the hill, grinning as she spotted Alec, “Finally!” she cried, and threw herself into his arms.

   She was a good two feet smaller than him, he always laughed at her short seize but now he grinned and enveloped her in his arms, squeezing tightly. Her familiar sent of grass, lemon, and leather filled his nose and felt his entire being relax.

   She looked much better than she sounded on the phone. Her hair had been twisted up into a simple bun, her bangs flowed into her eyes. Her face wasn’t too pale, though Alec guessed that was thanks to makeup for the meeting, though he noted she did nothing to try and hide the scar on her face like she used too.

   “I missed you so much Lightwood.” She whispered, Alec just nodded before finally releasing her. They both had moisture gathering in their eyes which they discreetly wiped as they heard the huffs of Christopher climbing the hill.

   She turned toward Chris who had just made it up. Her husband was a kind man, who Alec used to be closely acquainted with. His family, however, oversaw the Dublin institute which meant Alec only saw him on rare occasions. He was still amazed he and Abby had managed the long-distance relationship they used to have. Chris was nearly taller than Alec, he was blond with hazel eyes that always seemed to be switching colours on the day, today they seemed greener. He was much bulkier compared to Alec, and he preferred a hammer as a weapon of choice, explaining his seize. Although his seize could be intimidating, Alec knew him to be one of the most sensitive and caring people he knew, which made him a perfect fit for Abby, who was often as suppressed as Alec himself.

   Abby reached over and tugged him over to Alec, Chris greeted him with a grin and a hug, he pulled him close and spoke quietly so Abby wouldn’t hear, “I’m glad you came, this year has been rough, but I think she’s up to something.”

   Alec froze. Abby clearly hadn’t been discreet in her research, which was not good, if Chris knew something was up he would be watching them closer. Alec awkwardly patted his back then pulled away and attempted a reassuring smile. Chris nodded before taking a seat under the tree.

   Abby laughed. “Did that little hill tire you out so much?”

   Alec forced a little smile, “Don’t tease Abby, I’d like to see you do it and not be out of breath after his injuries.”

   Abby punched him playfully, “Your supposed to be on my side.”

   Chris grinned, “Hey, at least he’s nice to me, maybe he’ll even train with me.”

   Alec felt himself relax into this steady routine, Chris had been injured after the war, a severe injury to his legs coupled with demon poison left him fighting for his life. Alec had spent a week with them, thanks to Robert covering for him, watching Chris fight for his life and eventually succeed. It was still a long road to recovery.

   Abby spun on Chris and pointed a stern finger at him, “You will not!”

   She spun back to Alec, “And you will not encourage him, he’s still healing!”

   Alec held his hands up in surrender. “Got it no training.”

   Chris who had been chuckling, quickly sobered, his eyes flicking between Alec and Abby. “So the farmhouse is cleaned out for the stay, I’ll be visiting my family in Dublin, at least until Friday.”

   Chris often left them alone whenever Alec came, as if he knew that whatever they did to get better was not something they wanted an audience for. When really, all they did was reminisce and get overly emotional. Alec nodded his thanks anyway and squeezed Abby’s hand, knowing she would miss him.

   They spent the rest of the afternoon eating a simple lunch until it was time for Chris to leave, standing in the portal room left Alec feeling pang of yearning for Magnus as they exchanged a quick kiss and whispered goodbye. But he was also left with a certain amount of guilt, he wanted Chris gone so they could finally discuss what Abby had found, it had been eating at him since their phone call.

   Chris turned his eyes to Alec for a moment, right before stepping through, the message was as clear as always with Chris. _Look after her._

   As soon as he was gone Abigail leaned heavily against him, her entire body slouched as if a great weight had finally been removed. Alec slipped a hand around her, a sign of sympathy. It was exhausting trying to be ok for their loved ones, the effort sometimes costing them more than they realized.

   Alec pulled her over to their portal where she straightened and took the lead. Her farmhouse was just outside the Idris boarder, popular because it allowed easier communication. She slipped her hand in his and together they slipped through.

   A moment later they found themselves on the grassy front yard, Alec took a moment to just breath, hating how similar it was to his nightmares. There wasn’t another home within easy sight, offering much needed privacy.

   “Alec?” He turned to his gaze to Abigail who was looking at him with a sad smile. He found himself wondering how she could stand the similarities of her home to _that_ place. As if reading his mind she pulled him toward the house, “Do you remember that time we thought about running away?” her voice was quiet and probing,

   Alec cracked a smile, “you mean the time I had to knock some sense into you guys?”

   Her lips twitched up as the climbed the front porch and took a moment to look at the woods near her home. “Yeah, we were going to live in the woods like hermits, without our parents to nag us, without the expectations.”

   “One of his stupidest ideas.” He spoke the words carefully, always hesitant to refer to him directly.

   But Abby let out a chuckle, “And Angels know he had a lot of stupid ideas.”

   Like that the tension broke and Alec was gazing down at Abby’s sad but relaxed face, this was what he missed, his best friend, even if he didn’t deserve it.

   “Come on, we better get inside. I have so much to tell you.”

 

 

 

   Magnus was sitting on his chair anxiously sipping his martini and stroking Chairman Meow. Jace was due to arrive any minute, and parts of him were starting to have doubts about his mission. Alexander had stayed with him last night, the first time since the nightmares started that he hadn’t hidden away. Then Alexander had his breakdown, and as much as it broke Magnus’ heart he couldn’t help but cherish the feeling that Alexander was beginning to trust him with the event of his past, and the last thing he wanted was to betray that new trust.

   Surely if Alec found out he was snooping he would be angry, but for all his doubts he knew his Alexander well, and if this trip truly dispelled the nightmares and grief then he would let it go without a word, and all the progress would be lost.

   Magnus sighed, agitated he stood sending the Chairman running and walked over to refill his drink. There was a sudden knock on the door, startling Magnus which was really unfair, he was the High Warlock he should never be startled, he glanced at the Chairman who he felt was judging him, “Tell no one,” he warned sternly.

   With a wave of his hand the door opened and Alec’s blond Shadowhunter came in, he looked nearly as nervous as Magnus. “Please sit Jonathan,” Jace frowned but didn’t comment on the use of his full name.

   “A drink?” Jace waved him off.

   Magnus let out a huff, “Right, straight to business.” Jace nodded taking a seat, Magnus wanted to laugh at how out of place he was in the finery of Magnus’s loft, while he sat uncomfortably in his all black battle gear.

   Jace looked at him head on, “How much has Alec told you about what happened?”

   Magnus shook his head, “Absolutely nothing, the most I know is from Isabelle and it mostly related to how to…handle… Alexander during this time.”

   Jace nodded, “Its about the same with us.”

   Magnus had to stop a flush of irritation, it was hardly fair but he still found himself appalled that they didn’t know more about what happened, or that they hadn’t pushed. “Mind if I ask a few questions?”

   Jace raised an eyebrow, but motioned for him to go on.

   “How many years has he gone through this cycle?”

Jace paused clearly thinking back, “its been maybe five or six years.”

“That long?!” Magnus exclaimed in shock. He was sure it had only been a couple years, for the grief to be this strong. But that many years of his family letting him suffer? That was incomprehensible.

   Jace, apparently reading his expression went immediately on the defensive. “What? Alec has a tendency to push people away if you haven’t noticed. Anyway, do you think once you know what happened you’ll just magically be able to heal him?” he demanded.

   Magnus turned his piercing eyes on Jace. There was an unease in both of them, being here behind Alec’s back, it explained the tension and weariness in Jace. Magnus understood wholeheartedly.

   “I think we need to be utterly clear with one another here. I have Alexander’s best interests at heart always. I hate the idea of doing this without him, but you and I both know he won’t tell us on his own.”

   Jace’s eyes narrowed, “are you suggesting I don’t have Alec’s best interests in mind here?”

   Magnus shook his head in frustration, “Not at all, on the contrary I don’t doubt for a second you are determined to care for Alexander, but we should both be frank about his before we go any farther.”

   Jace leaned back slightly, there was obvious calculation in his eyes, “common ground you mean?”

   “Yes, precisely. We both want Alexander to stop suffering, but we are not completely selfless, you desperately want the bond back, and I hate that he is keeping his past from me.”

   Jace frowned, then stood looking the warlock in the eye. “So we agree we are betraying Alec but the results are worth the risk of him finding out.”

   Magnus swallowed thickly, he hadn’t exactly expected Jonathan to be so abrupt. He would never hurt Alexander unless he whole-heartedly believed it would help him, if there was no other way. He couldn’t watch his lover suffer every year, and he could tell Jace was wearing out under the strain as well. They knew Alexander so well, which meant they both knew he was selfless to the core, the protector, the leader, the one who believed he needed to handle everything on his own shoulders. But if just knowing the vague truth could help them reach Alec it had to be worth it.

   Hating how his stomach twisted into fear and nervousness, he nodded at Jace, who not looking much better, took his hand in mutual agreement that this would remain between them, and Alexander had to come first.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so funny story, the nightmare sequence at the beginning was take two. The flashback at the maple tree was supposed to turn into a nightmare sequence but for some reason I couldn't do it and it turned out cute instead. I worked it in instead of trashing it, and it inspired me to add more flashbacks in the next chapters :)  
> Hope you enjoyed it!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Thank you so much to everyone that has been sticking with this story despite slow updates. As a result, I'm going to be uploading slightly smaller chapters so that I can post more often.  
> This one is all Alec and Abigail and you'll be able to see what direction this story has been going :)

   Alec allowed Abigail to pull him into the house, where as promised everything had been properly cleaned and organized, but she didn’t pause for Alec to take in much of the house, instead she dragged him quickly up the stairs and into the small hallway littered with family pictures and closed doors.

   Abby paused and for a moment Alec wanted to ask if she forgot where she was going, but then she jumped up a little and snagged the string to the attic, he couldn’t remember last time he had been up there. She pulled and Alec moved aside to allow a small wooden ladder to slide down, she was fully grinning down and practically vibrating with energy, it took physical effort for Alec not to let her excitement catch as he followed her up the ladder.

   As he reached the top and climbed in he froze in shock taking in the room around him. He hadn’t known what to expect but it certainly wasn’t this, and instead of the eagerness and barely contained adrenaline he felt over the past few hours, all he felt now was doubt and disappointment.

   The attic was small with the roof curving down on either side, leaving Alec comfortable only standing in the center. Pushed back by the single window was a desk and chair along with three lamps strewn across the room providing the only light. It wasn’t the small space, however, that was filling Alec with the feeling something special had been taken away. The state of the room could only be described as an absolute mess, something Abigail would never tolerate under normal circumstances. The desk was piled high with papers and files, some of which Alec was almost certain were restricted, there were several dusty demonology volumes scattered about the floor. Some even appeared as though they had been thrown in frustration at the wall and left to rot in their spot, there weren’t just books identifying demons, however, there was also several volumes that appeared to be writings from Seelies and the occasional spell book that Alec didn’t even want to know where she got. Most noticeable in the room though, was a large map stretching along the far wall, as Alec approached it he noticed it was a Shadowhunter map with Idris and the major institutes marked on it. But across the entire map was bright red dots spread across the world clearly tacked on by Abigail, a fair number of them appeared to be in America itself.

   Alec cast his eyes back around the room and settled on Abigail who was at the desk flipping through some of the papers clearly looking for something. Alec stood there and couldn’t help the immense sense of sadness that filled him as he watched her pale face. This room had been carefully chosen, he knew to keep Christopher from seeing how far her obsession had gone, because that was what this was. The room showed just how far she had let herself sink back into the grief and Alec swallowed trying not to choke on the guilt that consumed him. She had been this bad when Will had died, it had taken him and Chris months to drag her from her compulsion to find the demon that had done this to him, to them. He had supported her at first, until it became clear that they would never find it, and Abigail had gotten to the point of neglecting her health and deteriorating before their eyes.

   Abby looked up suddenly, pulling a piece of paper from the pile she had been shuffling and grinning widely at Alec. That smile faltered when she saw the look on Alec’s face, and he winced knowing this wouldn’t be easy.

   “Abby…you know how this looks right?” He winced again at the reproachful way it came out. She frowned and glanced around, her shoulders drooping for a moment before straightening quickly and handing the paper out to him.

   “I know this looks bad,” her voice was nervous, like she was worried Alec thought she had gone crazy. “But this time its real…I wouldn’t…I don’t-” Abby growled, clearly frustrated with herself, “Just read this. Please?”

   Alec looked at the paper in her hand, he didn’t want to encourage her obsession, but there was something different in how she looked, compared to last time. Before when she let the search consume her she had been practically maniac with every lead no matter how insignificant. Any attempts he or Chris made to talk sense into her had been shoved away in anger and eventually she would break into tears when it didn’t work out. But this was different, she didn’t seem quite frantic, instead just desperate. He didn’t know if it was better or worse, so silently Alec reached out and took the paper watching as she sat in the chair behind the desk and watched him, desperation morphing into hope.

   He allowed his eyes to skim the paper for a moment, then he paused, bile rose up his throat and his stomach turned. He started again from the beginning reading each word carefully, his stomach and mind rebelling but he forced himself to keep going. He looked up at Abby who was watching with sympathetic eyes, which flickered to the paper in his hands, an encouragement to finish it. Alec did, even as he felt tears prick in his eyes and his breathing become faster with each word. Just as he reached the end he felt Abby’s comforting arms around him, holding tight as he struggled to come to terms with what he had just read.

   “Abby-” his voice cracked, “What is this? Where did you get it?”

   She tugged him over to the chair and made him sit which he did gratefully. The paper was clenched in his hand and he had no intention of letting it go, she leaned against the desk, holding his other hand and stroking soothingly. Her own eyes were damp as she attempted to explain.

   “About six months ago, Chris had this stupid idea of a way to help me heal or something.” Alec followed her words closely, “He was getting tired of my…episodes every year, don’t get me wrong!” she reassured quickly, “He adores you, and appreciates you coming every year, but I can tell he has been looking for a more permanent solution.” Alec squeezed her hand gently, the only support he could offer for family that was too caring.

   “Anyway, he looked into techniques in Mundane culture” she rolled her eyes unnecessarily, “And he figured that I should meet with somebody who has gone through a similar trauma of losing their parabatai in a…particularly violent way,” she winced at the simplification, and Alec couldn’t help but do the same. “So he found this guy who lost his about three months ago, so the grief was fresh but he was obviously handling it better than me. He thought having someone who understood the sudden loss of connection could help, and he was a little right I guess. Not that I was that much better, but it was nice to tell someone about Will who didn’t know him,” A small smile came to her lips, and Alec found himself yearning for the same luxury, but he pushed it away needing her to get to the point.

   “So one day this guy asks if I want to tell him how he died,” the smile disappeared and Alec squeezed her hand again, “I said no, and he said that was ok, but he would like to share how his passed, I think he thought it would encourage me.” Abby’s eyes met Alec’s and now she moved and sunk off the desk so she was on her knees and gripping Alec’s forearms, the earlier excitement returning. “After I heard, I asked him to write it down for me, took some convincing but he did and I when I read it over and over I didn’t have a doubt in my mind, that it was that fucking demon that killed his parabatai, same as us.”

   Alec just starred at her for a moment, before slowly returning to the paper forcing his eyes to go over it again, stopping at where this man had described the demon, _oh god_ , it was him, that disgusting thing he tried so hard to forget. His eyes fluttered closed, only three months ago.

   “Alec?” Abby was whispering now, her grip tighter then before, “I found more.”

   His eyes flew open, “Show me.”

   She opened a drawer and pulled out a thick folder that appeared to be beyond stuffed full, she placed it in his lap and without a word stood and disappeared, he distantly heard her descend the ladder but he found he didn’t care where she went.

   Alec raised his hand and found it shaking slightly and the nervousness was back. Taking a deep breath he tried to calm himself, think of it like any other mission, read the facts don’t make assumptions.

   Opening the folder, he found what appeared to be mission reports, the first from only a week ago. Carefully he scanned the report, skipping to the battle summary and found himself relaxing slightly. There was an extremely rough description of the demon, that he couldn’t definitively claim was the same that had attacked Will. It was the results. However, that likely drew Abigail in, where the Shadowhunter lost her parabatai.

   Alec continued to read report after report, and despite his initial reservations he began to see a pattern, key words that suggested it was the same demon where descriptions failed, and grief muddied memory. Distantly he knew Abigail returned, leaving tea on the desk, but she said nothing leaving him to the reports and he found himself grateful.

   Alec knew the shaking was getting worse as he read, but he chose to ignore it, needing to be sure, needing to read each report. The words were circling in his head now, all the signs that someone should have realized long before Abigail, causing a sick anger to well up inside him.

_Possession, Smoke, Surprise Attack, Torture, Parabatai Dead_

   But it was what happened after the demon killed the parabatai that convinced Alec that all these were the same creature in all of these reports. _After killing ___ parabatai the demon disappeared, reason for leaving the other Shadowhunter alive is unknown._

   There was no reason for a demon to leave a helpless Shadowhunter alive, only ever if something or someone scared them off, but that wasn’t the case in these reports. The demon left willingly despite having the perfect opportunity to kill both, the Shadowhunter that was left would be practically unresponsive at worst, unprepared and messy in a fight at best. The chances of a demon giving up the opportunity would be too rare, and mixed with all the other similarities there was no way it was anything else.

   Alec froze at the report he had just flipped to, his eyes immediately drawn to the names at the top. _Alexander Lightwood of the New York Institute, Abigail Winthrow of the Paris Institute, William Carver of the Wellington Institute._ He couldn’t move, his entire body locked down and he didn’t dare lower his eyes to the report his father had faithfully drafted up for Alec, so he wouldn’t have too. He couldn’t breath, as seeing their own report amongst these hit him with the full realization that this was real, that the fucking demon that had ruined them had not died in the fire like he hoped on his best days and was still wreaking havoc.

   He looked up at Abby with watery eyes, she had been standing at the map but had turned to face him as if sensing he had gotten to their report. She walked over carefully and closed the bundle in his lap.

   He didn’t know what to say, so he said the only thing that came to mind. “I believe you.”

   She looked at him with a sad smile, “Thank you.”

   Alec stood and wrapped her in his arms, he felt her warm damp breath on his neck and held her tight as he let himself re-adjust to the new information. He learned closer to her ear and let his voice fill with all the determination and anger that had overwhelmed him when reading the report, “We are going to find that fucking thing, and you are going to drive a seraph blade across its throat and watch it die in a puddle of its own blood like it deserves.”

   She pulled back and her green eyes were as sure and determined as his, “for Will,”

   He nodded, “for Will.”

 

 

 

   They spent the next three hours drawing up a plan, Abby was fast asleep on the desk, face only slightly troubled. Alec couldn’t sleep knowing how much time had been lost already, instead he stood starring at the map in front of him looking for a pattern in its travels around the world. Alec wasn’t stupid by any means, this was not that different to looking for a needle in a haystack, but in the past few years he had accomplished plenty that was unlikely. The first step was to find the demon, Abby had an idea for that already, they would summon it to them, someplace secure where they could have the most level of control when fighting it.

   The issue, however, was how to summon a demon you didn’t know the name of, not to mention finding a warlock strong enough to do it, and willing to help two Shadowhunters clearly acting without Clave approval. That was the other problem they would need to handle, they had agreed it would be just the two of them, informing the Clave would ensure they would not be involved. They wouldn’t want anyone with personal experience to put others at risk, but Alec and Abby were determined to kill this thing themselves. Which also meant he couldn’t tell Magnus or his family, the thought only made him feel slightly guilty, this was his battle not theirs and if he told them about the demon he would have to tell them what happened and he just couldn’t. No this was for him and Abby, besides it wasn’t as though Jace and Isabelle had never run off to fight their own battles without him.

   A whimper drew Alec from his thoughts, he glanced over at Abigail where her face had gone from troubled to scrunched in fear and desperation, another whimper had Alec at her side gently shaking her. He knew from experience that if he left her to her sleep for too long those whimpers would turn into haunting screams that reminded him to much of that night.

   She sat up suddenly hand flashing out to grip Alec’s wrist, her eyes were wide and her hair was falling messily from the bun she had thrown it in. He tried an amused smile and tugged his wrist gently from her grip, “Its nice to know you still have good reflexes,”

   She slumped in the chair, “Shut up.”

   He sat on the edge of the desk and offered her the tea he had made while she slept, “So rude when I’m offering you tea.”

   “Not really considering I know from experience your tea could kill me.”

   Alec pretended to be offended but she just rolled her eyes, “Seriously, its like all you Lightwoods were born with an innate ability to poison food,” she said with a laugh.

   Alec grinned back, just happy that he had gotten a smile from her.

   She rubbed at her eyes and offered a wide yawn before motioning at the desk that was now a mess of papers. “Did you come up with anything?”

   Alec nodded, “I think we should start with trying to find a warlock to help us, the Clave has a master database in Idris and it shouldn’t be too difficult to once we filter out the weak ones. The warlock would have to be pretty strong to summon this demon I think, the hard part will be getting their help.”

   Abby shook her head, confusion written on her face. “Ok the database is a good idea, except that we don’t have access to it.”

   Alec grinned and raised an eyebrow, “You forget who I am Abigail.”

   She just looked at him for a moment, “No offense Alec but I really haven’t, you are a Lightwood sure, that doesn’t grant you access to the master database.”

   “I must have forgotten to tell you that my dad is a Clave representative now, also I’m totally offended, my parabatai is basically a war hero and my family name has actually improved a lot in the war you know.”

   Abby snorted, “Sorry, you know I’ve never been concerned with family standings, and as far as I’m concerned you are the war hero not Jace, he just happened to have angel blood which made him popular.”

   Alec waved her off, ignoring the comment about Jace, since he knew she didn’t particularly like him. “The point is if I claim Robert asked me to get some information for him they probably won’t question it, all I’ll need is a few minutes with the database alone.”

   Abby was nodding now, “It a good idea, but what if they _do_ ask?” Angels this was why he loved working with Abigail, she thought things out just like he did. Jace was always impulsive and confident even the most insane plans would work, despite Alec pointing out its flaws.

   “Don’t underestimate how much my father believes in the family image, if they call and ask he’ll say he approved it, if only to make sure nobody thinks his son has gone rogue or something. He’ll berate me after, but we’ll come up with an excuse for him.”

   Abby smiled, “Its settled then, first thing tomorrow we’ll go find ourselves a warlock and figure out what we’ll do from there.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed it! I promise that you'll know exactly what happened to Abby, Alec, and Will soon enough. There was some hints in this chapter though :)


	6. Chapter Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For RandomPerson, this took way too long due to some personal issues, sorry to have made you wait :)

   They had a made a plan, well sort of. Magnus had taken for granted all the times Alexander had complained about his reckless parabatai, but he supposed all things considered, it was a good starting point. Jace had insisted that if they wanted answers Maryse and Robert were not the way to go, likely remembering the altercation Isabelle mentioned. Instead Jace wanted to tap into the database of the Institute and see if there was some report mentioning Alec or Abigail. That was why Magnus now found himself standing outside the Institute at nearly one in the morning waiting for Jace to come and get him.

   Magnus allowed his magic to spark and fuel his body with warmth on the cool night, but as he stood there he began to truly realize what it was they were doing. If someone had told him even a year ago he would be preparing to knock out half of the institute with his magic he probably would have laughed at the image and then ask how stupid they thought he was. Yet, here he was, because apparently as much as he did not in fact have a death wish, he did have a beautiful Shadowhunter whom he would apparently risk and life and limb for. Though Alexander likely wouldn’t be at all happy about that, especially if he knew his parabatai was in on it.

   Just then the door to the institute creaked open and Jace stuck his head out, eyes bright and surprisingly anxious for the usually fearless hunter. “We have to be quick Magnus, get your ass in here.”

   Magnus had to bite his cheek not to give a scathing reply. They were both on edge by the situation, by the fact that some might call this a betrayal, and he couldn’t imagine how it felt to Jace. “Lead the way.”

   They moved inside and closed the door quietly. “Demon activity is usually low around this time, so we only have six people monitoring, and four patrols in the city,” Jace whispered. “The cameras are off for now, but that will only last about twenty more minutes.”

   Magnus glanced about noting that it was quite dead in the hallway they stood. “How on earth did you manage the cameras?” Jace, he knew, was not adept with technology.

   A blush spread across the Shadowhunter’s cheeks standing out prominently on his pale skin, his embarrassment obvious. “I asked Simon to do it.”

   “What!?”

   “Shh! Keep it down, by the Angel.”

   Magnus ignored that, anger pulsing through him as he leaned in to angrily whisper, “You asked Simon with his big mouth to help? So much for being discreet-“

   “Not now Magnus” His own anger sparked in his mismatched eyes, “I am not stupid, I told him I needed to sneak out to visit Clary and Luke and if he helped I would cover for him with Izzy sometimes, I didn’t mention you at all.”

   Magnus just shook his head, how Alexander put up with him was beyond his comprehension, but right now Jace was his only ally. He supposed he should focus on the task at hand considering he probably only had fifteen minutes left. He strode forward, stopping at the entrance to the main operations room and slumping against the wall he closed his eyes and let his magic gently fan out.

   His magic slowly identified the individuals around him, and he smiled at the familiar feeling of recognition as it sought to identify a threat, but finding none simply enveloped the beings around him waiting for his command. It wrapped invisibly around the Shadowhunters in the operation room, then expanded into the first and second hallways housing the sleeping hunters. He peeled it back from Jace, despite being tempted to put him to sleep too, then allowed a warmth to sooth all the Shadowhunters under his influence to sleep.

   He opened his eyes, feeling only slight drain on his magic to see Jace starring wide eyed into the operations room. The Shadowhunter turned to him his expression turning weary.

   “Did I ever tell you, that you are down right scary sometimes?”

   Magnus grinned, “Nice of you to finally recognize my talents.”

   Jace rolled his eyes and moved into the room, Magnus followed a slower rate, satisfied as he noted the hunters scattered around the floor. But then his eyes scatted over an older hunter with the same dark complexion as Alec and he suddenly felt cold snap through him, and his whole body suddenly wanted to curl in on itself.

   The reminder of why they were here, he could practically see the disapproval on his lover’s face. It would be nothing compared to the fury that would arise if Alec knew he had used his magic against his Shadowhunters, against his institute, no matter that it wasn’t meant to be threatening.

   Magnus had lived many years, and at least half of those with the belief he was a monster. He was well past that stage of his life, and yet, for some reason this action tonight left him feeling as close to a monster than he had in years. He loved Alexander with all his heart, and he knew that being here tonight was not only a betrayal of his love, but his trust in him, and in everything he believed in by attacking his institute.

   So why then, was he still standing here? Why didn’t he walk out now, silently restoring the sleeping residents? Magnus’ eyes moved to Jace who was tapping away at a computer, eyes darting from file to file. He breathed for a moment and let the guilt consume him, then pushed it aside. Magnus was here because something wasn’t right about this situation with his lover.

   This past week showed a side to Alec that made no sense to the gentle hearted man he had come to know. Alec was hiding something, not only from him but also his family, and the harm that would cause in the future could ruin Alec, even if he did not yet see it. Magnus had seen it time and time again, what fear could do to a life and even if it cost him Alexander, Magnus realized he was willing to take the risk if it meant saving him. If this cycle continued, Alec would eventually lose Jace, that could be seen from the determined, strained face on the golden boy as he searched, but worse, Magnus suspected Alec might lose himself as well.

   But as sincere as all those sentiments were, Magnus had long been in the practice of being honest with himself. He moved closer to look over Jace’s shoulder noting the large number of documents that Alec apparently put his name to as a temporary guardian. No, Magnus was not entirely selfless. Under all his worry, was the same constant current of frustration and anger exemplified by Jace. This betrayal could be avoided if Alec would simply speak to them of what happened, if he decided for just a minute that he trusted his loved ones not to judge him, and to help. The hypocrisy was still grating on Magnus, that he would be so open to his lover after so much insistence only for it to be shoved back into his face like this.

   “Magnus,” Jace’s tone was irritated, and as he came back from his reverie he realized he had likely been saying his name several times.

   “What?”

   “I found something, sort of.”

   Magnus peered closer, and Jace pointed to one of the main files. “Its dated for the summer, four years ago. Alec was away for half of that summer, for special training or something, and I’m pretty sure I remember him coming back and having nightmares after that.” His voice darkened, “Maryse and Robert wouldn’t let us see him for nearly two weeks after, said he got a flu or something.”

   “So, what is it exactly?”

   “It’s a mission report, his name is on it as essentially being a participant, but that doesn’t make sense because he was too young.” Jace growled in frustration.

   Magnus shook his head in confusion, “What do you mean? He would have been sixteen, plenty of Shadowhunters go on missions at that age. Izzy for one.

   “But he wasn’t an adult and he was in Idris. He was still in training and would have needed a chaperone to go on a foreign mission at that age.”

   Magnus leaned over and clicked on details, causing the page to expand only slightly. “There, it says Abigail, and somebody named Will was there. Maybe one of them chaperoned?”

   Jace was starring at it now, eyes wide and unsure, “No Abby was the same age as Alec, and Will…”

   Magnus allowed his eyes to skate over Jace’s expression and realized he seemed to be trying to remember something, “Do you know him?”

   Jace frowned, “I’m not sure, here” Jace clicked the full document and quickly typed in his password. A moment later there was a loud beep and a large message declaring the document classified.

   “Dammit!” Magnus’ hand snapped out to stop him from slamming his fist on the keyboard as he was clearly meaning to.

   Jace clenched his teeth eyes crowded with frustration as he shook his hand from Magnus and quickly typed in another password for only the same message to appear, then again before finally spinning away from computer and growling out, “I can’t get in! this is a waste of fucking time.”

   Magnus starred at the Shadowhunter whose chest was heaving and hands clenched at his side. Carefully, so as not to startle him, Magnus put his hands out in caution, “You need to calm down, or else you will wake somebody, we can’t afford to be caught.”

   “What does it matter?” Jace snapped, “We couldn’t find anything!”

   “If you don’t shut up it will be me that is punished, not you, what would Alexander say to that?” Magnus tried, his voice hard.

   Jace glared at him for several minutes before stalking over to the computer and quickly erasing evidence of what that had been doing. Magnus watched him, ready to use his magic to silence him again if he had another outburst. He made a portal and simply pointed when Jace turned back around.

   A moment later they were standing in Magnus’ loft, Jace was practically shaking so with a swipe of his hand a beer appeared next to him on the coffee table. “Sit down.” Magnus told him firmly, which he did automatically, clearly grateful for the command.

   “You need to calm down Jace, your emotions are running too high.”

   Jace grabbed the beer and took a swing before dropping it and shaking his head quickly, “we didn’t find anything, even the fucking database was classified, why the hell is this so important!?” He exclaimed.

   Magnus moved in front of him, concerned suddenly by how pale he was, and the way his hand kept twitching to his waist. “I need you to listen for a moment, breath.” He took a quick breath, “Slower, match it to mine.” Jace’s eyes watched Magnus as his chest expanded and contracted trying to match him. Magnus remembered what Alec had told him once in quiet conversation, that Jace used to suffer from panic attacks after nightmares, and he would crawl into Alec’s bed and lay his head on his chest until he calmed. This didn’t appear to be anywhere near as severe as a panic attack, but he figured he could treat it the same.

   Jace’s breath had finally slowed and he seemed to finally be paying attention. Magnus sunk down on the edge of the coffee table, and looked Jace in the eye. “We are going to have to talk about this, obviously, but first, and listen carefully. This wasn’t pointless, we did learn a couple things in fact. First there was a third person, this Will Carver, second, it was something that happened on a mission, and third its been made confidential. That leaves us three leads right there, anything confidential certainly has much more information behind it, we’ll just have to work a little harder to earn it.”

   Jace seemed to calm at this, the promise that there was something more they could do. His hand came up to run through his blond hair causing to become disarrayed and he blew out a sigh, “I’m sorry,” He murmured.

   Magnus smiled lightly, “no need Jonathan, a display of humanity is not something to fret over.”

 

 

 

 

   Alec was utterly shocked by how easy it was to walk into the main building of the Idris conference area and into the database. The warlock files were certainly common knowledge, and not particularly suspicious, except for the fact that Alec wasn’t supposed to be there, and wasn’t supposed to have a reason.

   Still, he was only asked by one person and as soon as he evoked his father’s name and they confirmed who he was they immediately let him pass. Alec was now walking out of the building with a small slip of paper containing only six names of warlocks powerful enough to summon the demon they were searching for. Unfortunately, Alec had already crossed out three of the six names, one being Magnus, another being a warlock currently standing trial for breaking the accords, and the last being missing for the past thirty-two years. That left only Andrea Grey, Joshua Trade, and Beatrice Summer.

   Alec wasn’t familiar with the three beyond the basic mentioning of their names here and there at clave meetings. But he hoped one of them would be willing to help them in some way, first they needed to know more about the warlocks. It would have been too suspicious had Alec printed out their entire files, or worse it could leave a lead to follow them. They would have to try something different.

   Alec left the building and strode toward the fountain in the center of the square where Abigail was sitting, pretending to enjoy the sun’s warmth. She looked up as he approached and jerked her head toward the grand library. He nodded gently and turned down a path that would lead him well away from the library, but if he cut through the back woods he’d arrive at the building’s back door. The secrecy was only necessary because of a wariness the watchers in the conference building had of giving Abigail information freely. Christopher during the height of Abby’s obsession had barred her from there. Alec realized, if Chris knew what they were doing he’d skin him alive for encouraging this, but than again it was real this time around.

   Alec walked up to the back door of the library and knocked gently. A moment later the door swung open and Abby was pulling him in and toward a ladder leading to the top floor of the building, mostly used for storage.

   Looking down at Abigail, who had paused as soon as they reached the top he noted the sad smile as her eyes darted around, “When was the last time you were here?” he whispered gently.

   “Last time it was the three of us.” Alec nodded remembering.

_“Personally, I think it could be disastrous for you.”_

_Alec spun around on his heel as anger flowed through him, “What do you know about it? You have no right-“_

_“No right!?” Will exclaimed getting to his feet and nearly knocking over a stack of boxes. “You are my best friend Alec and I’m watching you do something that might destroy you!”_

_“What am I supposed to do? Say no and never have a parabatai? You have Abigail and what do I have? Nothing! Dammit Will why is it wrong?” Alec’s eyes darted back and forth from Will and Abby who was still sitting breathing rapidly and desperately trying to hold back tears._

_Will let out a growl of frustration, and strode up to Alec startling him. His grip was tight enough to causes bruises, “Because right this second you aren’t doing it for the right reason. We know you Alec and if you do this while you still love him it will only end in the worst way.”_

_Abby walked up behind Will, her eyes far gentler, she tugged him off of Alec and took his place in front of him, “We aren’t saying don’t do it Alec, nobody deserves to have a parabatai more than you, but if you decide to do this, you need to be one hundred percent sure in both your heart and your mind that you no longer love him.”_

_Alec could feel himself trembling, “Why do you guys hate him so much?” Their dislike of Jace had always boggled his mind, he saw both Abigail and Will as his family just as much as Jace and Isabelle and he couldn’t comprehend their constant distance from the rest of his family._

_“We don’t,” Will sighed._

_Alec scoffed at that, but Abigail shushed him. “We don’t hate him so much as dislike what he has done to you. He’s your brother Alec, but the way he uses you is frustrating especially considering your feelings, its not his fault of course. But we need a reason, is that too much to ask?”_

_Alec looked at them and swallowed his protests, “I think it is, if I tell you I trust him, that I love him as my brother or whatever, then I want you to take my word for it, take my word that he is a good person.”_

_Will glanced over at Abby who just shrugged, “Ok,” He murmured. Will walked over and grabbed Alec’s hand making him tense. “Listen brother, promise us that if you decide to go through with this it will because you’ve removed him from your heart in that way,” Will’s eyes were starring deep into Alec’s with expressed sincerity._

_Alec struggled not to look away, but with a sigh he allowed himself to relax and allowed himself to imagine a world in which he could forget Jace in that way, in the way he could never be with a man and even though he couldn’t see it, Alec whispered his promise anyway. “I will.”_

_Abigail reached across to grip both their hands a smile gracing here face as she shook her bangs from her eyes in a familiar gesture, “Besides, Alec, even if you don’t, you know you will always be our parabatai, rune or no rune, we’ll always be here for you.”_

   Alec breathed in the dusty air and exhaled, hoping to forget the memory at the same time. He reached down to grab Abby’s hand and she glanced up at him raising an eyebrow. “I broke my promise, the one I made that day to both of you.”

   A small laugh bubbled out, “Oh we knew, as soon as you agreed to be Jace’s parabatai that you hadn’t let him go.” She shrugged and moved over to a chair near the other end of the room and shoved several dusty volumes off of it. “We weren’t mad at you, and it all worked out in the end.”

   Alec sighed, “true but it took awhile.”

   “Sure and whose fault is that?” Alec rolled his eyes and handed her the small piece of paper he had brought back, her eyes lit up looking at the names, “Speaking of, remind me to thank the illustrious Magnus when I finally meet him.” She smiled mischievously.

   Alec’s mind wondered back to the conversation he had with his lover the night before he left, “So you would like to meet him?”

   She looked back up at him seeming surprised, “Of course, I’ve heard enough about him, I figured it would happen eventually.”

   Alec nodded, “how about you come back with me? On Saturday?”

   Abby jumped up suddenly way too excited, and for a moment Alec legitimately wanted to take the offer back, startled by the intensity of her reaction. “That would be perfect, I’ll call Chris so he stays in Dublin a few extra days.”

   “Ok?” Alec was more than a little confused by her elation.

   She rolled her eyes, a common theme that day it seemed, “The list Alec, Joshua and Beatrice were last known to have been at the warlock council, invited expressly by one person.”

   Alec just shrugged. Abby shoved the list at him where he had made notes about their whereabouts quickly, and his eyes widened, “Magnus?!”

   Abby’s smile turned sly, “He’ll know where to find them, and a bit about who they are. We’ll just have to be creative about it.”

   A sliver of unease moved through Alec at the thought of essentially using his boyfriend to get information. But than again, there was no lying to be done, just simply not explaining why he wanted to know about his warlock friends, _his most powerful friends_ , Alec thought sardonically. Alec’s gaze was then drawn again around the room and he could practically feel Will’s fingers on his shoulder and with a sigh, he just nodded at Abby. It appeared Alec wasn’t going to be able to keep his two lives, his two _families_ separate any longer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed! I promise more exciting plot will be next.


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